Did I Do That...?

    Did I really just allow Ada to engage in her computer program for an hour+? And did I really just let her sit on my iPhone watching little cartoons and go through pictures for.. well, a while? Yes. I sure did. 

    

    Warning: I'm about to give a little strong opinion. I do not agree with putting a device in your kids hand whenever it's convenient or when you need a babysitter. I don't agree with driving around with the DVD player on in your car all the time. And the list goes on. Basically… what happened to books and imaginations? What happen to parent responsibility to engage with and play with their child? Simply put. No, I don't need any counter-arguments. Ok, got that off my chest! 

    Here's the truth as my opinionated booty gets older and wiser, and of course, as I begin the year with the biggest challenge I have ever faced. A year long deployment A.K.A. unwanted separation from my other half, just in case you didn't know what challenge I was referring to. The truth I have realized? Everything is on a spectrum! Carrie, did you hear that? "Hi, my name is Carrie and I'm judgemental and opinionated." Now, will you please admit that same thing to me, even if just to make me feel like I'm not the only one? 

    We all have our reasons, our justifications in doing things, especially when it comes to raising our kids, especially when it comes to 'dealing' with our kids daily. Like all day. And here is my justification. I don't have Daddy Charlie here to hang out with Ada while I hand wash the dishes. I need like 15 minutes (or an hour) to myself, including mothering EvaMei, including cleaning, including writing, which is my therapy. This year, I just bet, I will be slightly humbled….in all areas of life; attitude, relationships, etc. Even though I am still bothered by the fact that I, strict/opinionated (take your pick) Mama Carrie, have allowed such over use of technology, I accept that it's just what I have to do sometimes! It will not sit right with me, because it's decisions we have made as a family, our set of rules. Our Watson Clan moral code. Smile. I'm going against it. Lighten up, right? My whole life is based around saying, "No, I will not lighten up or give in!" "Stick to your guns!" So it's a hard thing for me to do, that whole lighten up on my beliefs thing. Note: I do not think a child has to constantly be entertained. But, it even takes time and patience and a creative mind, to even help your four year old get set up with an activity to independently take on.

    Well, there's that bit of mind!

    This has been a challenging week. I thought I would write this post and complain about how this has been the worst week ever! EVER! No. There were just moments and like half days that were pretty tough. It's so amazing though, to look back on the last few days and ask myself, "really? you were so upset about that?" Kind of silly in some ways. But pretty dang honest in all ways. I sure as heck had the right to be upset about some life happenings, although that is the challenge. Should I really be so selfish? 

    The week's great plans? 8 hours total childcare for both girls. Myself? Off to accomplish errands on my own, including car detailing, vet appointment (we totally still have Roxie, by the way. I think I just wrote a posting weird making it sound like we no longer had her). I had some pampering to be done, cleaning and packing and organizing, distraction-free! We had a birthday party to go to, and I had the monthly wine night to host! The week's reality? Girls have been treated for minor pink eye, I was quoted 5-6 hours and $250 for detailing the car. No thanks. (I wanted it detailed because I will be leaving it in our carport for 2 1/2 months). We have had great communication with Charlie this week, but there was that day that I decided to sleep more rather than take Charlie's early morning Skype call, then didn't get a chance to try that again until late in the day when I was rushing Eva to the closed doctor's office because her eye was extremely puffy. Eva was fine. The missing opportunities to communicate with Charlie was the worst! Gosh, we're so spoiled to even communicate with our soldiers as much as we do! It all sounds like quite minor things thinking back on it. But let me tell you. When you've got the stress of soldier hubby gone, everything seems so much more intense! And it's not just that he is gone. It's that I will not be able to touch my husband or have his touch for 9 months!!!  And even then, it's only squeezing in some all important "face-to-face" time for two weeks, then another few months until we are reunited to begin a "normal" life again. 

   I did call my mom and bursted out crying to her. And even an hour later spoke with my older sister, and did the same thing! Just had to get it out. My mom gave me the simple suggestion of postponing wine night until the weekend. Duh! Why couldn't I think of that? And Allison sent me a message with words and thoughts, advice, encouragement that I will always remember. 

"It is a sign of strength to call a spade a spade. This phase of your life is hard. You can find beauty in certain things but that doesn't take away the fact that it's hard and you are sad. You are strong to feel those emotions, to talk about them. That is healthy. … Hang in there. Take comfort knowing y'all have God that loves you and wants badly to comfort you and provide for your every emotional and physical need. Also take comfort in knowing that 'this too shall pass'."

    Well said. Thank you big sis. Thank you mom. Thanks also, to everyone who's heart is in this time with us. I feel the love and support. 

    Hands down emotionally hardest thing right now is that I have lost control. I cannot control when Ada gets to see her beloved man of her life again. I cannot fix her emotions or mine with simple tricks and distractions, Oh, I try! The hole is just always there. The heartbreaking reminder is that Ada apologizes for not being able to go with Charlie. That she wants her Daddy and she misses him. I hear these two things about ten times a day. I give the best, most honest answers I can give. I express my sadness, too. It's not enough. That tears me apart. I realize it's the beginning, possibly the hardest time, the huge stage of adjustment. And sadly enough, we will all get used to the change. It will get better. 

   This is an honest post. It's kind of jumbled up thoughts and emotions. It's like I have so much more to say, to express, but just not sure how. And at the same time I almost feel silly spending so much time picking apart and sharing my emotions, sometimes silly ones. I am such a woman!!