One Month Love Letter

I wasn't sure if I should include this personal love letter on my blog. Decision made. Here goes nothing...

    

My Dearest Charlie, 23 February, 2012

I love you til death do us part. Your my partner, my best friend, and I cannot imagine life without you. Please keep promising to me your love and commitment. No more doubting in our marriage. I just want to draw the best, our best out of each other and nothing less. 

This deployment thing is something, else, huh? Definitely the hardest thing we have faced together, I believe. My stubbornness will not let me fail at conquering it, though. We are stronger than letting a year of this separation pull us apart. As I told you before, we would be cowards to be defeated by it. 

I'm not sure of answers right now in order to be a successful team this year, but as long as we stay true to our marriage and ourselves, we should be good. 

As strong as I may be sounding by my words in this letter, I am actually weak. I still haven't found the motivation to start exercising again. That's frustrating. But, I know it's around the corner, once I get it lined up, I will get out and run or do a class. For starters, I did put on running clothes yesterday, in hopes of finding the right opportunity to just take off and challenge my out-of-shape body. It didn't happen, but it was a start. I also stopped by the Wellness Center to get a class schedule. I know exercise will make me feel so much better overall. Sorry your shifts are so long that working out can't be a part of your day. When you do find yourself with any sort of extra time, go and do it! I know you'll feel better, too! Your self-esteem shines when you've been working out and I really like that. 

Texas has had some nice weather lately so we've been trying to enjoy the outdoors as much as possible. I haven't known quite what to do with two little ones on days we're stuck indoors. Like I said, I am lacking motivation, therefore creativity, so trying to think of activities for the girls is just not coming to me so naturally. But again, I do foresee in the near future, my old self coming back to life! I'll have to get on the ball quick, as I am soon going to be caring for not only our girls but also baby Jax. I'm excited, a little nervous, but confident my naturally maternal self with quickly redeem itself. 

I hope you read my last blog. It was the first time that I thought about the love languages according to our present circumstance. It's like we can't fully exercise the love languages because we are physically apart, and have mediocre communication.  But it doesn't make them any less important to us. So it's like a double challenge to honor those languages according to what each of us need and desire. 1. words of affirmation 2. physical touch 3. gifts 4. quality time 5. acts of service. Wow… we're really not even capable of two of those for sure, and the acts of service is tricky. I guess this means that while we might be missing quality time and physical touch, we just need to almost over do it on the other three! So hint, hint on the gifts. Getting a surprise from you (flowers, massage gift certificate, getting with Kat again for some awesome earrings, love letter…) wouldn't be too shabby. We both need to get better on words of affirmation. We talked about this beforehand… let's make sure and do our parts in building each other's confidence especially with the more challenging days. As far as physical, I don't know what to say except dream about hugging and kissing each other, snuggling so good and close, and one day before we know it, we will have that again. Sexually, I just want us to commit to each other and no outside temptations. I will send you all the pictures you want/need! We are sooo going to be honeymooners when we're together again! I can't wait! 

Well, my handsome, awesome, most respectable husband, I love you so deep. Deeper than the limestone cut in the Blanco River, especially when it's gushing with Class 5 rapids! Wink! Until next time, cheers, love, happiness, peace!

Love, your admiring wife, 

Carrie

Reassurance...

    I finally reassured Charlie that I love him dearly, am still committed to being by his side forever, and I have faith that our marriage will really rock when this year is done with. I knew he needed to hear that. I think I have written similar words, but there's nothing like voice, especially sincerity in the voice, that could speak so heartfelt.  I know this not only by what I have said to him, but those words of affirmation I have heard from him before. I would say our marriage will rock during the year, but right now it is just such a struggle to remind one another of our love and commitment, that to feel totally in love so far, is not really the case. Yes, I love him to death, but when key tools in a marriage or relationship are missing, it of course sets it/us a little off balance. A lot off balance… actually. Maybe the key tools for a marriage will show themselves to me this year. Perhaps they'll change. And perhaps they are not what I think they are. Does a successful, loving marriage need physical touch everyday, for an example? As of now, I think yes. But maybe, just maybe Charlie and I will have a successful, loving marriage this year without that. I hope so.

    A book/theory we definitely think about and refer to often is The Five Languages of Love http://www.5lovelanguages.com/. In November we attended a marriage seminar given to us for FREE (hotel room, childcare, food, you name it)… THANK YOU ARMY/ THANK YOU TAX PAYERS!… and the chaplain who held the seminar based it on the five love languages. It was some good stuff to think about. One thing I have kept in mind is that our languages can change. I know for sure the importance of words of affirmation, a language of love, will increase greatly. And I think the importance of physical touch, another love language, will quite obviously decrease. I think I'm on to something here. Just because it will decrease because we literally cannot have it from one another, doesn't mean it's suddenly not important to us. And that's where the struggle comes in, to keep a marriage alive! But it's also where the test of strength comes in to see if we can overcome, and focus on the other love languages. 

  

    I feel good about reminding Charlie of my love, admiration, respect, commitment for him and to him, because you see, every time we have talked, I have put up "the wall." I guess it's a coping mechanism. By "the wall" I think I mean a more business-like conversation, little fake smiles just to look nice on the Skype camera!, a fisad of sorts to portray that all is well with the Watson girls, when really there is so much I want to tell him; those things I would be telling him at home when we finally have some quiet time together. But I can't. Who do I tell those things to? Opinions, troubles with the girls, secret pride for our girls the only the parents of their own children can brag to each other about? I don't really even think about it as its happening. I don't want the conversation to be about my sappy feelings. I don't want it to be boo-boo this and that. I'm not thinking of those two points as we are conversing. But it's as though my brain, my heart, know just what to do. Charlie doesn't need to hear how deeply I miss him, I'm many times, empty, I have trouble making decisions, and so on. But then again, maybe he does need to hear those things every so often. After all, to face and take on the reality of the separation, I think, is and will be for our future, very important.  

    Honestly, I think I'm a little numb right now. No, not physically. You'd think I'd be crying myself to sleep (or not, I don't know). Or just totally emotional overall. Im not really. I wish I was, in a way. I definitely don't feel quite like myself. Oh maybe that's because the other half of me is thousands of miles away. I have associated who I am and what my life is about with Charlie for 7 1/2 years now, and from such a young age, that it is true. I truly feel like half of me is gone. I'm just coping. And maybe it's because we, myself and the girls, are away from our Hawaii home. While visiting family and coming 'home' has been overall good, we have made our home on the north shore of Hawaii. We have a great routine and style of life and I miss it, and myself there very much. But I think being in Texas on such a long visit, and everything it entails, is quite possibly what keeps those tears from making it to the surface of my skin. And I think that's a good thing. 

    Until the next thoughts, cheers!

My Dearest

    I love "old school" vocabulary. The adjective dearest is lovely, and what a smitten being would have referred to 'the one' as. I gather this from googling, yes googling, letters from WW1. It's better than my dear, my love, honey, sweetie pie, babe, you name it. Just read below: 

dear 1  adj. dear·er, dear·est 1. a. Loved and cherished: my dearest friend. b. Greatly valued; precious: lost everything dear to them. 2. Highly esteemed or regarded. Used in direct address, especially in salutations: Dear Lee Dawson. 3. a. High-priced; expensive. b. Charging high prices. 4. Earnest; ardent: "This good man was a dear lover and constant practicer of angling"(Izaak Walton). 5. Obsolete Noble; worthy. 6. Heartfelt: It is my dearest wish. n. 1. One that is greatly loved. 2. An endearing, lovable, or kind person. adv. 1. With fondness; affectionately. 2. At a high cost: sold their wares dear.      I consider Charlie as my dearest, fo shizzle! ;) But it's as though I am having to convince myself of this lately. I know it, but what evidence do I have? For so long I have relied on daily encounters with my husband to reaffirm my love and affection for him to definitely consider him as my dearest. What am I counting on now? Cut off, loud (children) background noise, delayed, frozen monster face Skype calls. I feel so spoiled to say this, but although we get to communicate almost daily, it is frustrating, on the surface, two separate people type of communication. I don't know my husband right now and that feels unnatural, a struggle for sure. This could really pull two lovers apart. A sort of giving up. Oh, but I know my dearest, and I know why I love him. I know who he is. And what feels even more amazing is that he knows me, better than anyone.     I recently had someone remind me of Charlie's faults, weaknesses, bad-side, as we all have. While I knew what was being spoken was in many ways true, it was not right. Not right for me, the wife trying to be more strong and supportive than ever. I was being challenged with such a mind game. All I know is, I must continue to think the world of my husband, think he is amazing, and never lose sight of his strengths, the reasons why I want to call him dearest.  Short and very sweet. My thoughts for now.

Did I Do That...?

    Did I really just allow Ada to engage in her computer program for an hour+? And did I really just let her sit on my iPhone watching little cartoons and go through pictures for.. well, a while? Yes. I sure did. 

    

    Warning: I'm about to give a little strong opinion. I do not agree with putting a device in your kids hand whenever it's convenient or when you need a babysitter. I don't agree with driving around with the DVD player on in your car all the time. And the list goes on. Basically… what happened to books and imaginations? What happen to parent responsibility to engage with and play with their child? Simply put. No, I don't need any counter-arguments. Ok, got that off my chest! 

    Here's the truth as my opinionated booty gets older and wiser, and of course, as I begin the year with the biggest challenge I have ever faced. A year long deployment A.K.A. unwanted separation from my other half, just in case you didn't know what challenge I was referring to. The truth I have realized? Everything is on a spectrum! Carrie, did you hear that? "Hi, my name is Carrie and I'm judgemental and opinionated." Now, will you please admit that same thing to me, even if just to make me feel like I'm not the only one? 

    We all have our reasons, our justifications in doing things, especially when it comes to raising our kids, especially when it comes to 'dealing' with our kids daily. Like all day. And here is my justification. I don't have Daddy Charlie here to hang out with Ada while I hand wash the dishes. I need like 15 minutes (or an hour) to myself, including mothering EvaMei, including cleaning, including writing, which is my therapy. This year, I just bet, I will be slightly humbled….in all areas of life; attitude, relationships, etc. Even though I am still bothered by the fact that I, strict/opinionated (take your pick) Mama Carrie, have allowed such over use of technology, I accept that it's just what I have to do sometimes! It will not sit right with me, because it's decisions we have made as a family, our set of rules. Our Watson Clan moral code. Smile. I'm going against it. Lighten up, right? My whole life is based around saying, "No, I will not lighten up or give in!" "Stick to your guns!" So it's a hard thing for me to do, that whole lighten up on my beliefs thing. Note: I do not think a child has to constantly be entertained. But, it even takes time and patience and a creative mind, to even help your four year old get set up with an activity to independently take on.

    Well, there's that bit of mind!

    This has been a challenging week. I thought I would write this post and complain about how this has been the worst week ever! EVER! No. There were just moments and like half days that were pretty tough. It's so amazing though, to look back on the last few days and ask myself, "really? you were so upset about that?" Kind of silly in some ways. But pretty dang honest in all ways. I sure as heck had the right to be upset about some life happenings, although that is the challenge. Should I really be so selfish? 

    The week's great plans? 8 hours total childcare for both girls. Myself? Off to accomplish errands on my own, including car detailing, vet appointment (we totally still have Roxie, by the way. I think I just wrote a posting weird making it sound like we no longer had her). I had some pampering to be done, cleaning and packing and organizing, distraction-free! We had a birthday party to go to, and I had the monthly wine night to host! The week's reality? Girls have been treated for minor pink eye, I was quoted 5-6 hours and $250 for detailing the car. No thanks. (I wanted it detailed because I will be leaving it in our carport for 2 1/2 months). We have had great communication with Charlie this week, but there was that day that I decided to sleep more rather than take Charlie's early morning Skype call, then didn't get a chance to try that again until late in the day when I was rushing Eva to the closed doctor's office because her eye was extremely puffy. Eva was fine. The missing opportunities to communicate with Charlie was the worst! Gosh, we're so spoiled to even communicate with our soldiers as much as we do! It all sounds like quite minor things thinking back on it. But let me tell you. When you've got the stress of soldier hubby gone, everything seems so much more intense! And it's not just that he is gone. It's that I will not be able to touch my husband or have his touch for 9 months!!!  And even then, it's only squeezing in some all important "face-to-face" time for two weeks, then another few months until we are reunited to begin a "normal" life again. 

   I did call my mom and bursted out crying to her. And even an hour later spoke with my older sister, and did the same thing! Just had to get it out. My mom gave me the simple suggestion of postponing wine night until the weekend. Duh! Why couldn't I think of that? And Allison sent me a message with words and thoughts, advice, encouragement that I will always remember. 

"It is a sign of strength to call a spade a spade. This phase of your life is hard. You can find beauty in certain things but that doesn't take away the fact that it's hard and you are sad. You are strong to feel those emotions, to talk about them. That is healthy. … Hang in there. Take comfort knowing y'all have God that loves you and wants badly to comfort you and provide for your every emotional and physical need. Also take comfort in knowing that 'this too shall pass'."

    Well said. Thank you big sis. Thank you mom. Thanks also, to everyone who's heart is in this time with us. I feel the love and support. 

    Hands down emotionally hardest thing right now is that I have lost control. I cannot control when Ada gets to see her beloved man of her life again. I cannot fix her emotions or mine with simple tricks and distractions, Oh, I try! The hole is just always there. The heartbreaking reminder is that Ada apologizes for not being able to go with Charlie. That she wants her Daddy and she misses him. I hear these two things about ten times a day. I give the best, most honest answers I can give. I express my sadness, too. It's not enough. That tears me apart. I realize it's the beginning, possibly the hardest time, the huge stage of adjustment. And sadly enough, we will all get used to the change. It will get better. 

   This is an honest post. It's kind of jumbled up thoughts and emotions. It's like I have so much more to say, to express, but just not sure how. And at the same time I almost feel silly spending so much time picking apart and sharing my emotions, sometimes silly ones. I am such a woman!!