My Old Self, Almost

     I can just smile. This week, I feel "Carrie" emerging again and I love it. Perhaps many people live life being so out of touch with themselves, that they don't even realize how chaotic life is not being in tune with their own soul. And I'm quite sure that people just accept their chaos, their out-of-touchness. I think that is scary. It's as though they give up on growing and seeking more truths and freedoms about themselves and others and life. 

     The reason I'm feeling myself come alive again is because Im beginning to breath again! I'm not kidding. I realize to some it might sound corny, but that's truly what it is. Im not preparing to lose my husband anymore. He's coming now in less than 24 hours. My wall that's been protecting my heart and emotions is coming down. I know when Charlie embraces me, this sense of a real breath will be even one hundred times as deep, as clear.

     With this freedom though, I am holding on a little reserved as I know challenges will arise. While our family will be one again, it won't be the same as before. We'll we jumping back on our family path, but with a whole lot of new, and that's a little scary for anyone. I just pray for patience and love and understanding. 

     Life is wonderful!

     

Coming HOME

     I’m giddy with excitement, as my husband wrote to me in a letter on our wedding day, to announce that my husband is on his way HOME!!! I’m so overwhelmed with emotion and feel so very close to being able to breath again! That’s the best way I can describe it. I feel like the last 11 ½ months, inhaling and exhaling have been at half capacity. And when you’ve held your breath for so long, the thought of even being able to experience a full breath again almost seems unreal.

    

     Wow, the word unreal. It just came out and seems so ironic, as I feel like last January I probably held onto that word. That idea. Middle of the year I believe I expressed the  “reality” of things, of life. It has obviously come full circle. Amazing!

     The last several days feel to me like the week before Charlie left. My emotions are experiencing so many unknowns. Excitement, worry, anxiousness. I’ve been training myself to try and be open-minded and just loving and patient. Charlie doesn’t seem so worried, so hopefully his confidence in how are life back together might be, can hopefully carry us both along. So much focus is put on how difficult reintegration can be, but he doesn’t seem to think it’s that big of a deal, or at least not as big a deal as many seem to make it. I bet his laid-back frame of mind will be helpful.

     To now tell the girls that Daddy will be home in just a few days is just… nice. Beyond nice and good and happy. It’s been exhausting to tell them,  “half way done”… “only 3 more months”…. “four more weeks.” Ha! We are down to days! Yesssssss!

     Although an emotional time, as the entire year has been, soon we will all be cuddling, playing, driving together, meals together, parenting fully together, staring at each other’s face in amazement. Love it!

     Like giving birth to a perfect, healthy baby and feeling beyond blessed for that because some families do not get a healthy baby, Charlie coming home after a hard, dangerous year, I feel so blessed, as some do not have their soldier returning. Thinking this always humbles me more than anything. The sacrifice some have endured is unimaginable. I am so thankful for my husband’s breath.

     

Hello, Hello, Hello... R&R and Beyond!!!

      Once upon a time, as I sat in my big empty bed with tears down my cheeks, I couldn't get over this voice in my head saying, "I have to wait 9 months to see my husband, and a year for him to be back home... I have to wait NINE MONTHS to next get a hug and kiss from my husband, and wait an ENTIRE year until he is back home... I have to WAIT 9 months until the girls and I spend time with our favorite man for ONLY 2 weeks, then go back home and keep waiting until the whole year has gone by." I could not get over the time to wait. 

   

   Well I waited. I waited about 7 1/2 months to see my husband for two weeks. And so did he. And so did we... the girls have been patient little beings this year, too. And they know far more than many think they do, even a little girl who was only 15 months when her Daddy went away, Eva now 25 months. Out of nowhere when she was about 18 months old, there was a week when several times crying Eva cried, “I want my Daddy.” She knows what waiting is. She knows what missing someone is. Ada had just turned 4 when Charlie left, by the way, and is now 2 months from turning 5. And while this waiting thing might not be ideal, we’ve learned, we’ve grown, and I hope have gained an essence of patience that we’ll always remember and to look back and remember this time in a light of humility.

“We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.”

Below is my thoughts I wrote on the back of a post card while literally waiting for my best friend to arrive to me in Kew Gardens, England, to begin our “Rest and Relaxation.

2^nd September 2012

I’m in Kew at this place on the front {The Kew Greenhouse Café}, sitting waiting for Charlie. Our life now, as we know it, is from a movie. I even admit this is just so romantic. I, sitting at a café on one corner in Kew, an area of London, and Charlie perhaps around the corner having his first beer in 7 ½ months at the train station pub. I can’t help but look up searching for him, waiting for this so anticipated moment, every couple of seconds. And it is this moment that I have wondered about and played in my head over and over. Maybe I’ll be waiting for hours, but I will wait for him, this man Charlie who I’m so in love with.

While it was quite romantic (still is), I did wait for hours. I kept everyone on Facebook anxious as well when I wrote:

"I’m sitting alone in Kew Gardens at a café waiting for my love to arrive…OMG this could be a movie… This is and probably will be the most romantic event in my life. Sorry to rub it in, I’m just beyond excited!"

With a record of 94 “Likes”… I still laugh at that in a, “Wow! Really?” kind of way, I later wrote:

"I can’t believe so many of you are happy (I think) to share in a way, in our excitement! I feel the love and support like mad!! The day wasn’t as romantic as I was imagining as I sat and waited for Charlie for about 7 hours before I got his call!!!...Flight late, delayed, missed, converting dollars to donars for a pay phone?, all in a country called Bahrain?... So the day was filled with… should I be angry, worried, etc? Then the call came, then he came out of the Kew train Station, I sat on a bench and nearly missed him as he snuck out of a side entrance. The hug, yes hug, I will never forget. The first kisses were great, too! Gosh, the relief, the love! Looking back to yesterday, it’s all still quite romantic. After only 15 minutes reunited, we felt so natural again together, almost as though 7 ½ months were yesterday! And watching the girls see their Daddy for the first time today… Well, speechless! Life is good! We have 14 days to soak up our family love, then back to (un)reality til January. Again, I’m shocked at your support and appreciate it so much!"

  

   Without getting into too much detail about our R&R, it was in fact lovely, we were all overall very happy to be a family again, and really just can’t wait for that to be a more permanent thing. While I thought I wouldn’t be able to stop touching my husband, and wouldn’t want to let him out of my sight, I was wrong. I wanted him to have alone time when needed, and not have me there smothering him. I guess I could look in a mirror with that last idea, and accept that as my own desire as well. Shoot, after being crazy Miss Independence for so long, and didn’t want my hand being held non stop. Although, I did long for those not too often, but often enough, meaningful hugs and kisses. Charlie was so good to me, and the compliments he gave me in the first minutes we were together again, I’ll never forget.

  

   A huge lesson Charlie and I both admitted to accepting with an open heart, is the lesson of “don’t sweat the small stuff.” We sure do know the difference after this experience of knowing what small things are, and what big things are, everything relative in different people’s lives of course. But in our life together, if we could just keep in mind from this time in life and forever after, exactly the silliness of “sweating some of the small stuff” that we tend to get bothered about.

  

   So now back home in (un)reality, as I’m fond of referring to it as, and Charlie back in his, we find ourselves waiting again. And we will wait. It is so worth the wait. The maturity and love for one another and our little family we have welcomed this year is worth it. Now we only have 2.5 months to wait, as the soldiers have been informed they might just be home about a month before I expected! Woooohoooooo! One less month of worrying. The funny thing is, is when I imagine Charlie home again, both of us just in an ongoing siiiigghhhhh (Ahhhhhh!....Can you hear it?), I smile and think how it will be as though he was never away. This year will possibly seem like one of the most surreal moments in our life, once we look back on it. But thinking further, R&R seems a little surreal now that it’s been a month since we were in that moment, but it was also so real. I still feel Charlie’s hug. That’s what I turn to when I need to smile.

  

   Thanks for waiting it out with me my family and friends.

“Patience is waiting. Not passively waiting. That is laziness. But to keep going when the going is hard and slow - that is patience.”

Follow Up Clarification

After some thought I decided I would clarify something. Im not sure who can relate to my "old" self when describing how I once viewed love for a spouse as conditional. Two thoughts crossed my mind: either people think I'm horrible for ever viewing love in my marriage as conditional, or people can relate. I don't know. 

So here is the clarification. There is a source for the reason of thinking of love on "conditional" terms. It's called divorce. Plain and simple. As we all know, the rate is so high these days. What, like 50%? Many of us have been so called victims of divorce. It's just part of a normalcy in our lives. Which, of course is very unfortunate. And one reason it is so, is that it makes it a real option for people like me; Married. One might say, I might have said, 'On the condition that you make me happy, I'll stay married to you. On the condition that you never have an affair, I'll stay married to you. On the condition that you keep your drinking under control, I will stay married to you. On the condition that you don't look at porn which I despise, I'll stay married to you.' And the list goes on. Am I right? So whats happens to many? The spouse doesn't keep the other happy. The wife has an affair. The husband continues to view porn. And Bam! Divorce! But while people are saying those 'on the condition that...' life is stressful, there's always some sort of marriage drama, marriage doubt, trust issues, etc... so it seems to me. (Obviously many times, with deeper issues, I understand that).

What I need to end with is that once I started saying, 'Even if you become restless and act against me, even if you fall to a temptation, even if I become unhappy with you for a day, my love remains unconditional.' I find great peace in this. It's a huge weight lifted. And the cool thing is, is that Charlie I know will see this kind of positive attitude of unconditional love for him, and most likely act the same with unconditional love towards me. Now I'm getting into the "Love and Respect" concept I believe so deeply in. Refer back to the past blog titled "Four Days Out." 

Unconditional

Wow I can't believe 3 months have passed since I last wrote. Oh how I have wanted to write. It's in me. Like all the time. I have so much "in me" in fact, that it's the exact reason I haven't written. It's like my brain has been on overload and I just have too dang much to write about. I can't even figure out how to organize my thoughts. Well, I have decided, within a matter of about 30 seconds, that NOW is the time!... to try to at least gets some thoughts out. 


It has been over 5 months, yes FIVE months, that my sweet husband has been away. Wow! Sigh. Breath. Surreal. Flowing with it. Still hard. And man does our love keep growing. I've realize while lovers are separated, that level of creating fantasy heightens. It's as though we forget about the other's weaknesses, those things that really drive us crazy. I have been so excited to confess something to others, as I have recently confessed it to Charlie: I once looked at love for children is 100% unconditional and love for a spouse is conditional. Right? I mean if our child goes to prison, we still will love them (I think), but if our spouse goes wacko and were to get sent to the pen would we still love them? I don't know, this is just a hypothetically example. But you know what? It's been building and I have recently been able to let go and confess it to myself then to Charlie and now others, my love for my husband is absolutely NOT conditional. It is so unconditional, it's crazy. Crazy love. And it feels so good to admit this. I feel free. He has been and will be my best friend, my partner until death do us part. 


With this confession comes also a realization. My husband is a gift from God. While Ive been in this life cycle stage of questioning Christianity and religion in general, it's been strangely hard for me to accept and admit that the fact that my husband is a gift from God is truth. Well, I don't find it so hard anymore. It's the truth and if I accept it as that, I am allowed to find peace. A gift given to this Earth and to me, from such a loving God? Are you kidding? I am going to unconditionally love this gift, no questions asked. 


Just as many warned me prior to this deployment, it's true that we have found a sense of settlement, normalcy without Charlie here. It still doesn't feel normal though. I imagine him here with us all the time and try to include his wishes and thoughts, even if Im making them up, as to not get the girls and myself on too different of a track than what he is used to. I recently packed a bag to send to Charlie to prepare him with civilian clothes for R&R. It was so nice to touch his boxers, his wallet.  I must sound so weird. 


Then there is this very deep part of me. When I allow myself to embrace my inner emotions of just missing my husband I experience this deep, deep longing for him. There aren't many words to explain it. It almost hurts sometimes how I long so much to have him with me, but it's just so impossible. I hate accepting impossibilities. 


Good news is, is that we should be spending two weeks with our man in just a couple of months! It's going to be some of the happiest days we'll ever know. I can't wait. And I can't wait to see the excitement it will bring to our girls. They love him and miss him so much. 


EvaMei has been interesting to observe this year. Her level of communication is so much different now than back in January, naturally. Back in January/February I would tell Eva, "Tell Daddy 'I love you,' 'I miss you,'" and she would usually repeat it. Now, she has tricks to show him and songs to sing him! She comes to my computer and asks to "mama, you try to call Dada?" "Daddy, look at me. I gonna read a da book!" She knows exactly who he is and will run (almost) as fast as big sister to greet him!


Well, these are the thoughts I'm capable of sharing for now. Some of the things that have kept me busy lately in which I am overwhelmed with but thankful for are the following: Settling back at home in Hawaii after 2.5 months spent in Texas, several home projects including building a sand box and gardening, Closing on our first home, an investment rental in our university town in Texas, selling Charlie's motorcycle, taking over FRG Leader for the company Charlie has been associated with, trading our car and all that entails, hosting my sister for 6 weeks (which has been awesome!), back to hosting events at my house, etc etc etc etc. 


I consider things I do in life and life in general now, all a challenge but not necessarily hard. 

Community, Commitment

    Everyone should be so lucky as to have a Watermark Community Church near them. It's the church my older sister has attended for about 6 years now in Dallas. After attending 3 Sundays plus an extra class for 3 Wednesdays now, a realization has occurred. The last time I was excited about church was as a teenager. It was because my hometown church had an awesome pastor. I went to that church because of the pastor; and maybe because that's where my family raised me. I think it's fine to really like a pastor, be drawn to the words and messages he or she shares. But somewhere in the Bible I think it calls us to be followers of the church. I think. With a smile on my face I proudly admit that this Watermark place draws me near because of the church. Because of their values, their purpose. It's powerful. The leadership and all the extras offered are purposeful in being raw, real, vulnerable, truthful, what have you. It's what we need. By we I mean God's people of today. 

   A main focus at Watermark is community. Definition of community is a unified body of individuals. And unified is defined as to make into a unit or coherent whole. Well seeing these definitions myself just makes even more sense of the church's focus. You see, I have also been attending something called Re-Engage, a class of sorts for married couples. What you rate your marriage as matters not. It is an open chance to enhance your marriage or keep it rocking. To do this one must turn into a very vulnerable, transparent, honest and open person, putting trust in others, or strangers (at first), for support and accountability. Many people may be scared off from putting their marriage out there for all to see. Ohhh, how embarrassing, right? The funny thing is, is when people become honest about the truths of marriage, we all see how similar we all are! People, no one's marriage is perfect! You can't deny that it feels great to be able to confide in someone else, to empathize with someone else, marriage being at top to share the trials and joys of the biggest commitment you've ever made! 

   I was very hesitant to even go to something like this. I just didn't want to do it without Charlie. I didn't think it was fair to possibly be getting fed some good tips and tools for marriage, and not Charlie. But there are many things I don't want to do without my man this year, but life goes on. And the great thing is, is that my husband is still apart of my life. And marriage is even more apart of my life. I just mean more, because it is in fact the bigger picture. When I don't have Charlie by by side or have a chance to communicate with him somedays, I hold on to our marriage, or life we have created. Everyday I am still a wife. Everyday I am still trying to be the best partner I can be. What better way to keep marriage on my mind than to attend a Re-Engage marriage class. Not to mention, a class with great purpose and philosophy. I was sad this week to say goodbye to my 4 weeks of attendance there. I already witnessed how willingness to be transparent in a small group can be extremely effective. A secret hope of mine is to bring Re-Engage to everyone I know! But more specifically to military couples. It would be life-changing for many who must go through a lengthy, unwanted separation. My marriage isn't the best it could be, but my commitment to it is. I try everyday to think of ways to enhance it, mostly by working on myself. I would love to help others gain the tools and knowledge to do the same. 

Quote below from http://www.watermark.org

Belonging to our community requires a visible commitment to being intentionally involved with others in accountable and encouraging relationships. We believe life change happens best in smaller groups. In these clusters of caring people, participants share and encourage each other toward spiritual growth. Here people can experience both the benefits of a larger church and yet enjoy the kind of relationships that only develop in small, safe settings.

    I miss my husband so much. I am guilty of something. I have allowed myself to depend on the daily communication with him. If not communication, then just evidence he has logged on to our bank account or was on Skype… or something! This last week I had not see any signs of him being online for about 36 hours or so. It worried me for sure. Ugh! The realities of how it goes. I guess. (And a day later. it was a-ok! Got to Skype off and on with Charlie for about 3 hours!)

    When I experience this kind of stress of the above worry, it seems to be the underlying burden of the day. It was a rough day. With the kids. With other going-ons in life. I bet not many guys know what I mean. I may be getting too "woman." At the same time, after time outside in the sun, giving myself the opportunity to hear my girls laughing… ok… and having an afternoon glass of wine, I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's was all ok, or was going to be!

A little compilation of quotes I came across when searching 'best friend,' because my husband is absolutely my BFF!    

"A best friend is not only someone you have a good time with, it is also someone you believe you can trust your life with. A person you know well and regard with affection and trust. It's someone with whom one shares the strongest possible kind of friendship. Friendship is one mind in two bodies. Together forever, never apart. Maybe in distance, but never in heart. Carrie loves Charlie 4-Ever!"

Fear, but Soooo In Love.....

    I fear I may be falling more in love with Charlie. I fear it because the harder I continue falling for my husband of 6 years, the harder it would be to lose him. Straight up.

    

    It's been almost two months since Charlie left. After about the first month of this deployment my frame of mind was different. When regarding losing my husband to war I was beginning to think it may not be as hard as it could be. What I mean, is that if one has gotten accustomed to their loved one already be physically absent, it could possibly make their death a bit easier; or not as traumatic. I know, a vey serious, don't touch, sort of subject to just throw out there, but hey, it's reality. As we near the two month mark, I feel as though I am falling hard for Charlie. I love him and his selfless desire to serve as an awesome soldier and to provide so well for our girls and myself. Being so in love with him again plus longing for that day of reunion makes me realize that to lose him may be even harder… more unfathomable… than I originally imagined. To make it clear, I do not think of death very often, but of course with my husband in a danger zone, it does cross my mind. And when it crosses my mind those seldom times, it crosses it hard. It is real.

   And you know, all these thoughts could be forming from expectations. Expectations are everything. And I may be in "La La Land" when it comes to my romantic expectations of the way things will be when we reunite. Of course I think of the reality, too. We have two young children. Time with Charlie after he not being used to the chaos of our girls may be extremely stressful. But I can't help my optimistic self and be a dreamer of those romantic moments that make it all worth it. I know those romantic moments will happen, even though stressful moments may be surrounding them, and I just smile. I smile so big. I imagine myself so happy, so fulfilled, so at peace. 

    It's weird. Although I may not totally be getting what I need and want from Charlie (we're both still figuring out this thing called communication), I am so vulnerably ready to forgive. I care, but not near as much as I would if we were living a face to face life. It is so true that those small things just don't matter all that much. My Dad once had a book called Don't' Sweat the Small Stuff. I'm getting the opportunity to put that title into practice. 

    When I listen to Ada's "Daddy Rabbit," I am just so appreciative of Charlie and how good of a father he is to our daughters. The "Daddy Rabbit" is a soft, stuffed rabbit in which I did a little surgery on. I implanted a voice box in it after Charlie recorded a special message. His message is short and to the point and includes, "You're a very pretty girl." I bet Ada's self esteem is boosted every time she hears that. Her Daddy's voice admiring her. Not to mention, Eva Mei's smile and giggle every night we play her "Daddy Turtle" with a similar message of "I love you. I Miss you. Night-Night." Oh I love Charlie for being willing to make those for the girls.

    I know this all sounds so goody-goody. We are real, too. With Charlie being such a great, thoughtful Daddy to Ada (4 years old) now, infant days were quite stressful. With such romantic thoughts and pure love for my husband, I'm also very disappointed with lack of quality communication and words of affirmation from him. Hey, I'm sure I'm guilty of plenty, too. It's all a guessing game, I like to say. With relationships in general; friendship, parenthood, and marriage. But when you've got an answer, and you're not quite guessing anymore, go with it and better yourself to almost prefect it. 

   I am really missing my husband like crazy. I forget what day or date it is much the time, but I do know almost two months have already passed. I take a deep breath and look forward to the 4/5ths of the year we have to go!