Follow Up Clarification

After some thought I decided I would clarify something. Im not sure who can relate to my "old" self when describing how I once viewed love for a spouse as conditional. Two thoughts crossed my mind: either people think I'm horrible for ever viewing love in my marriage as conditional, or people can relate. I don't know. 

So here is the clarification. There is a source for the reason of thinking of love on "conditional" terms. It's called divorce. Plain and simple. As we all know, the rate is so high these days. What, like 50%? Many of us have been so called victims of divorce. It's just part of a normalcy in our lives. Which, of course is very unfortunate. And one reason it is so, is that it makes it a real option for people like me; Married. One might say, I might have said, 'On the condition that you make me happy, I'll stay married to you. On the condition that you never have an affair, I'll stay married to you. On the condition that you keep your drinking under control, I will stay married to you. On the condition that you don't look at porn which I despise, I'll stay married to you.' And the list goes on. Am I right? So whats happens to many? The spouse doesn't keep the other happy. The wife has an affair. The husband continues to view porn. And Bam! Divorce! But while people are saying those 'on the condition that...' life is stressful, there's always some sort of marriage drama, marriage doubt, trust issues, etc... so it seems to me. (Obviously many times, with deeper issues, I understand that).

What I need to end with is that once I started saying, 'Even if you become restless and act against me, even if you fall to a temptation, even if I become unhappy with you for a day, my love remains unconditional.' I find great peace in this. It's a huge weight lifted. And the cool thing is, is that Charlie I know will see this kind of positive attitude of unconditional love for him, and most likely act the same with unconditional love towards me. Now I'm getting into the "Love and Respect" concept I believe so deeply in. Refer back to the past blog titled "Four Days Out." 

Unconditional

Wow I can't believe 3 months have passed since I last wrote. Oh how I have wanted to write. It's in me. Like all the time. I have so much "in me" in fact, that it's the exact reason I haven't written. It's like my brain has been on overload and I just have too dang much to write about. I can't even figure out how to organize my thoughts. Well, I have decided, within a matter of about 30 seconds, that NOW is the time!... to try to at least gets some thoughts out. 


It has been over 5 months, yes FIVE months, that my sweet husband has been away. Wow! Sigh. Breath. Surreal. Flowing with it. Still hard. And man does our love keep growing. I've realize while lovers are separated, that level of creating fantasy heightens. It's as though we forget about the other's weaknesses, those things that really drive us crazy. I have been so excited to confess something to others, as I have recently confessed it to Charlie: I once looked at love for children is 100% unconditional and love for a spouse is conditional. Right? I mean if our child goes to prison, we still will love them (I think), but if our spouse goes wacko and were to get sent to the pen would we still love them? I don't know, this is just a hypothetically example. But you know what? It's been building and I have recently been able to let go and confess it to myself then to Charlie and now others, my love for my husband is absolutely NOT conditional. It is so unconditional, it's crazy. Crazy love. And it feels so good to admit this. I feel free. He has been and will be my best friend, my partner until death do us part. 


With this confession comes also a realization. My husband is a gift from God. While Ive been in this life cycle stage of questioning Christianity and religion in general, it's been strangely hard for me to accept and admit that the fact that my husband is a gift from God is truth. Well, I don't find it so hard anymore. It's the truth and if I accept it as that, I am allowed to find peace. A gift given to this Earth and to me, from such a loving God? Are you kidding? I am going to unconditionally love this gift, no questions asked. 


Just as many warned me prior to this deployment, it's true that we have found a sense of settlement, normalcy without Charlie here. It still doesn't feel normal though. I imagine him here with us all the time and try to include his wishes and thoughts, even if Im making them up, as to not get the girls and myself on too different of a track than what he is used to. I recently packed a bag to send to Charlie to prepare him with civilian clothes for R&R. It was so nice to touch his boxers, his wallet.  I must sound so weird. 


Then there is this very deep part of me. When I allow myself to embrace my inner emotions of just missing my husband I experience this deep, deep longing for him. There aren't many words to explain it. It almost hurts sometimes how I long so much to have him with me, but it's just so impossible. I hate accepting impossibilities. 


Good news is, is that we should be spending two weeks with our man in just a couple of months! It's going to be some of the happiest days we'll ever know. I can't wait. And I can't wait to see the excitement it will bring to our girls. They love him and miss him so much. 


EvaMei has been interesting to observe this year. Her level of communication is so much different now than back in January, naturally. Back in January/February I would tell Eva, "Tell Daddy 'I love you,' 'I miss you,'" and she would usually repeat it. Now, she has tricks to show him and songs to sing him! She comes to my computer and asks to "mama, you try to call Dada?" "Daddy, look at me. I gonna read a da book!" She knows exactly who he is and will run (almost) as fast as big sister to greet him!


Well, these are the thoughts I'm capable of sharing for now. Some of the things that have kept me busy lately in which I am overwhelmed with but thankful for are the following: Settling back at home in Hawaii after 2.5 months spent in Texas, several home projects including building a sand box and gardening, Closing on our first home, an investment rental in our university town in Texas, selling Charlie's motorcycle, taking over FRG Leader for the company Charlie has been associated with, trading our car and all that entails, hosting my sister for 6 weeks (which has been awesome!), back to hosting events at my house, etc etc etc etc. 


I consider things I do in life and life in general now, all a challenge but not necessarily hard.