What you waitin' for....

 "What you waitin' for?" That's what Ada asked Charlie when 

we were on the phone with him today. She was responding to a

discussion they were having about how she can't wait to pick 

him up from the airport and how we'll all be {pause} happy. We 

all had a good laugh to that initial question (even Eva). That 

good question. 

    We miss our man. Today was the first day we actually had 

real communication with him. Twice! It's been 8 days. That's all

I want to say about that. I don't want to say, "eight out of… ." 

It's just a period of time which has passed sofar. Which we have 

managed to get through, sofar. It was shockng that Charlie, the 

Charlie Watson I know, video Skyped with us for half an hour 

this morning! A true sign that he misses us (of course), for 

impatience with bad video/audio quality seemed to not exist. In 

our future, I see a lot of our imperfections, and frustrations 

with, just go out the door. Why would we ever have time to be

impatient with each other ever again!? I'm going to fight ever 

getting back on the track of 'normalcy!' I want to live in a state 

of Honeymooner love forever after!

    

    Speaking of fighting; Overall, life is just grand with many 

daily adventures to preoccupy my mind. It's wonderful just 

enjoying the small things like a heavenly-made rainbow that 

covered the sky earlier this Sunday day. enjoying a small thing 

like recording video of the girs being silly. Enjoying the honest 

discussons with great friends. Yes, these things are making my 

life a good life. But all together, it's a big fight. It's a fight 

against those underlying emotions that I just cannot help. And I 

can feel that. I am actually aware of this daily, or more like 

hourly, fight. Sadness, Worry, Fear, Lonliness. Living a 'normal' 

life right now is just an effort to cover up those real feelings. if 

that's what I must do, then that's what must be done. Because 

in the middle of it all, I am getting out smiles and laughs, 

optimism and love for my husband, girls, friends and people 

and life in general. 

 Goal: to keep these in mind…

"Your living is determined not so much by what life brings to you as by the attitude you bring to life; not so much by what happens to you as by the way your mind looks at what happens. "

~ Kahlil Gibran

"The greatest discovery of my generation is that a human being can alter his life by altering his attitudes of mind."

~ William James

"Keep your thoughts positive, because your thoughts become 

your words.

Keep your words positive, because your words become your 

behavior.

Keep your behavior positive, because your behavior become 

your habits.

Keep your habits positive, because your habits become your 

values.

Keep your values positive, because your values become your 

destiny."

~ MAHATMA GANDHI

Realizations, Reality...

    A quick realization. To stay strong myself is only a small portion of the effort; maybe 25%. It's the staying strong for the girls, especially Ada, that I am very quickly realizing the major challenge to be. I should have known better. How selfish was I to have been thinking all along, 'oh geez, how am I going to carry on as a strong woman?' Its more so, how am I going to do the minimal to ensure I am happy and good, and how am I going to answer the unanswerable questions and really reach down deep to pull that optimistic strength out for our daughters? 

    
    Ada truly misses her Daddy and lets me know many times throughout the day. I knew she would do this, but it's more than I anticipated. When Charlie was away for two months for training this past July-September, Ada told me everyday that she missed her Daddy, but not as deep as she is expressing it now. Yes, of course, she is almost a half year older. Her heart and emotions have changed. Back in the summer I took it as a great sign and a forewarning of what to expect for the year-longer. I thought and still think it is great that she can express her emotions through words to me. She feels comfortable doing so, and is not expressing it through withdrawal or angry rages. Let me back up for a moment; she continues to be a challenge (but with many sweet moments in between), and has done a few things such as bite EvaMei on the leg as we were driving in the car today (WHAT THE HECK!?!). Obvious to some, she's looking for that extra attention. She had a tummy ache tonight as we were waiting for a possible Skype call from Daddy Watson. Ada fell asleep before the short and poor quality Skype session with Charlie. I did ponder whether or not I should have even mentioned to her that Charlie was going to try Skyping us. Just like I am being so open writing this blog, and just as I can't keep a thing from Charlie, I have trouble keeping exciting secrets from my girls. I think the tummy issue had to have been the same as I had a few weeks ago; that kind of "am I starving or not at all hungry" ache resulting from underlying stress and anxiety. Reality.    

    
    Last night was only the second night without Charlie. The first night we had friends over and Ada fell asleep late on me sitting by the chiminea. Now, that was nice! So last night and again tonight were more routine style nights. 

    Ada has a DVD that is Sesame Street for kids of deployed parents. The characters suggest that the kid tell the moon goodnight and then their parent away goodnight. Ada had mentioned this to me before, but I had forgotten. The second night,  as I was tucking her in, she said she forgot to tell the moon and Daddy goodnight . So we went outside on the deck and looked for the moon, but it must have been hidden by clouds. We chose a bright star instead. I picked her up and Ada told the star and Daddy goodnight. She put her head on my shoulder and I think told me she missed Daddy. She then began singing a made up song. Something like, "Goodnight my Daddy. Goodnight stars. I miss you. I'll be so excited when you get back. Goodnight everyone." She sang it in such a sweet, pure voice. I am so glad that at such a young age, music can be a sort of therapy for Ada, a comfort. 

   
  Eva Mei definitely knows something is up. For the last month of two Eva and I have created this bedtime routine. We tell Ada goodnight and give hugs and kisses. We tell Daddy goodnight with a big kiss. We go to her room and tell the giant Joshua Giraffe goodnight, the butterflies on this mural/painting goodnight, the fairies and flowers and grass on an original painting by my Aunt goodnight, and she swats at these paper lantern balls hanging from her ceiling. She finds the swatting to be so fun and gets her last laughs of the day out by doing so! I lie her down with her cup of milk and press her glow sea hose which sings a lullaby and press the voice box in her stuffed turtle with a message from Charlie on it. Even though we did it all yesterday evening (minus "nigh-nigh" to Daddy) around 7:30, which is on the later time of her bedtime, she cried so hard after I left her room. After she carried on for about 5  minutes I went back in. She had snot and tears all over her sad face and all she wanted was out! She said, "DaDa" a few times and was reaching for something, I didn't know what. I think just reaching in the air as babies do. I let her stay up with Ada and me for almost another hour, then tried again. We did our routine again. Ada was right there to help. She fussed a little, but did go to sleep on this round two. After a big swim in the ocean and a later bedtime, she did much better this evening.

   
    So, there you have it. The raw reality of this here family getting accustomed to a new thing. The day was quite busy full of physical activity and shopping. I have worn myself out. This is a great thing. Yes, I miss my love, but no time to sulk in my fears. (El Capitan has made it to Kyrgisztan, a holding point of sorts, by the way, and on the way to The Stan very shortly. Also, by the way, the time difference between Hawaii and Afghanistan is a puzzling number 14.5 hours…).  

And just like that....

     And just like that, he's gone. I don't even want to count the days until I next see him; I just know it's too long. Saying goodbye at the hanger actually wasn't too bad; several meaningful, warm hugs and kisses, some smiles, a few tears of mine. It was the driving away, the fear of parting from my husband and possibly never seeing him again that got me for a moment. I cannot think those thoughts, though. I would never make it. He would never make it. Those thoughts are natural, though, and will inevitable cross my mind many times more throughout this unwanted separation. Charlie's words as we said goodbye were that he can't get sad until he actually misses people. I understand that. I understand him. My words were that I was scared and sad of the length of time. Here's a secret; I already miss him. I am sad. 

    
    And then I looked at our daughters. I had been looking at them, but my vision changed as I kept savoring the moment. Oh, the innocence. And, oh how tight Ada hugged him. She wanted to go with him, she said, and has since asked why she couldn't go with him. She thinks there are babysitters in Afghanistan. Talking with Ada last night about 'it all,' she asked which other countries were near Afghanistan. I told her there was Turkmenistan. She started cracking up! I told her there was Uzbekistan. She laughed even harder! I went on… and she carried on with the silliness. She made up her own countries; some to name a few: "Adastan," "Hamburgerstan," "Bananastan." She sure does put an optimistic point of view on such a time. 

    
    Eva laid so still on her Daddy at home this morning for some good cuddles. As sweet as it was to hear her say, "Bye Byyyye," and "I Yu Yoouu! (I love you)," it is a little hard to take, for she probably just thinks we were dropping him off for a day at work. I know she will be fine. We will get to video call and talk to Charlie often. I am not afraid of her forgetting him. I just have fear of the kind of bond she will have  or not have with him. I feel like we're taking away this precious chance for her to become a Daddy's girl. Again, I know I can't go on with this frame of mind always. I know, with both Charlie and I putting forth our best parenting efforts, Eva Mei will turn out a great girl with a great love for her Daddy. These are just the raw emotions, plain and simple. No, plain and complicated.

    
    Thank God for these girls. How true it is that there is never a dull moment in my day. From the second we were saying goodbye to Charlie until now, a small break during quiet time, it has been non-stop talking, smiling, crying… like bratty crying, sassiness, love, discipline, distraction. And it's only been 3 hours. I laugh at that. It helps. If I only had Roxie, our dog of 7 years, to come home to, I would be crying all over her, well into a bottle of wine. 

    
    I thank you, God, for putting Charlie in my life. What a man he is! I have learned so much from him.  He provides so good for his family. I have faith in Charlie with his job. He really is an awesome soldier and anyone who gets to work by his side should consider their self very lucky. 

    
    All of a sudden, after a 15 minute cat nap/break from writing and thinking, this day and this time in my life feels very surreal. And right this moment my new goal is to approach this surreal time with wide eyes open and ready for a brand new chapter in life. A huge new chapter, that is. It's a brand new opportunity for Charlie and I to grow in our communication and marriage and characters. It's a great chance for my mothering to be challenged, and what do challenges do? They make people overcome and therefore become better. Bring it on!

Four days out...

   Tuesday.          Wednesday.        Thursday.         Friday.        Then there is Saturday. Four days till the big day. The air is tense, I must admit. Why, oh why? We have been so good; to each other, to ourselves, to our kids, to our marriage.

    
    I believe in the Love and Respect http://loveandrespect.com/  cycle that author/marriage counselor Emerson Eggerichs encompasses his beliefs of a successful marriage on. If you and your spouse give each other words, actions, etc of love and respect (to the wife, love, to the husband respect because to a woman love is like water, she needs it, and to a man, respect is like water, he needs it) that spiral goes up and stays up. It's when one does the unloving or disrespectful thing that the spiral suddenly goes negative. It takes the more mature spouse, just depending on the moment, the day I suppose, to erase the immature act, look beyond it and shoot back that act of love and/or respect to get that spiral back up. Is this not so true? When Charlie and I keep it in mind, our marriage rocks! 

    
    Right now, selfish worries and whatnot are definitely in the way. Our spiral has fallen. So disappointing. Just last week I was talking on the phone with a close girlfriend who's husband is presently deployed;  he'll be back home to her and two awesome children in 7 weeks!!! What a strong woman she is. I shared with her how Charlie and I were holding strong, we weren't experiencing those petty arguments so many others seem to have coming upon a deployment. Understandably, those feuds come about from anxiety, the tension, the unknown, the selfish desires, etc. Charlie overheard my conversation and afterwards complimented me on how I hadn't let those unfounded arguments come up. I had been holding strong. I had been overlooking his faults, knowing that most everything irrational spat out was… well… irrational, from stress. What an amazing compliment! He was giving me the praise for being the glue. (Blush, blush). Together, though, we had been overcoming. 

    
    The last couple of days, it's as though I don't even know my husband. In all fairness he might feel something similar about me. He is, in fact, a man. Okay, I will add it in. And, I am, in fact, a woman. Communication is not so natural to him. That's all I want, though. Communicate those feelings you're experiencing! Tell me whats on your mind, gosh dangit! But he responds with, "it's none of your business." He has never responded with such a statement. Maybe there are no words. I am not trying to relay a silly marital argument to you. I am expressing the difficulty of feeling as one in our marriage in such a time. We are being very individualistic right now. He is male. I am female. Very different creatures, I'm sure everyone can attest.  I try to keep this in mind with many of our more frustrating times. We'll come around, I know it. We have to. In fact, tomorrow morning I think I will invite him on  breakfast date.

      
    Perhaps we go through such a rocky road to prepare us for the first week of separation. When the day comes my attitude could possibly be, "good, I'm glad you're leaving. We need a break!" We've been there before. Oh that freedom feels great for the fist five days. Quite immature, that attitude, don't you think? Then, it gets a bit old. To not hear that '78VW Bus drive up at dinner time and to not have his presence in our home… plain sucks! We need our other half back.  My goal this week is to not have that attitude. I want to go out with the most positive vibe alive! No regrets! The truth is, we love each other to death. As The Pogues say, "I'll love you till the end."

     
    Another goal of mine for the year, thanks to my male neighbor's insight: Never let Charlie question his 'worth' in our family. Not sure how I will do this exactly. Some ideas are brewing. We may be 7,500+ miles apart, but those words will ring dear and close when we just express them. Thank God for the amazing communication between soldiers and their families in present war time.

The beginning...

   One week from today, half of me will leave our home. He'll leave what seems like suddenly. He'll leave with uniform on. My husband must leave his three girls to begin his year long deployment to Afghanistan. It seems like only a distant thought in our heads, this deployment thing, but it surely has come all too soon. I, Carrie, am his proud wife. His scared wife. As I go on this journey of the uncertainties, raising our two young daughters alone, I look forward to sharing with you, the happy times and the bad, the raw truths of emotions of the heart, the over-thinking of the powerful brain. I share it because I am good at sharing and have no shame, and because for ten years now, families of this generation, not to mention all the families in our history, period, have gone through the same thing. It's now our turn.