Community, Commitment

    Everyone should be so lucky as to have a Watermark Community Church near them. It's the church my older sister has attended for about 6 years now in Dallas. After attending 3 Sundays plus an extra class for 3 Wednesdays now, a realization has occurred. The last time I was excited about church was as a teenager. It was because my hometown church had an awesome pastor. I went to that church because of the pastor; and maybe because that's where my family raised me. I think it's fine to really like a pastor, be drawn to the words and messages he or she shares. But somewhere in the Bible I think it calls us to be followers of the church. I think. With a smile on my face I proudly admit that this Watermark place draws me near because of the church. Because of their values, their purpose. It's powerful. The leadership and all the extras offered are purposeful in being raw, real, vulnerable, truthful, what have you. It's what we need. By we I mean God's people of today. 

   A main focus at Watermark is community. Definition of community is a unified body of individuals. And unified is defined as to make into a unit or coherent whole. Well seeing these definitions myself just makes even more sense of the church's focus. You see, I have also been attending something called Re-Engage, a class of sorts for married couples. What you rate your marriage as matters not. It is an open chance to enhance your marriage or keep it rocking. To do this one must turn into a very vulnerable, transparent, honest and open person, putting trust in others, or strangers (at first), for support and accountability. Many people may be scared off from putting their marriage out there for all to see. Ohhh, how embarrassing, right? The funny thing is, is when people become honest about the truths of marriage, we all see how similar we all are! People, no one's marriage is perfect! You can't deny that it feels great to be able to confide in someone else, to empathize with someone else, marriage being at top to share the trials and joys of the biggest commitment you've ever made! 

   I was very hesitant to even go to something like this. I just didn't want to do it without Charlie. I didn't think it was fair to possibly be getting fed some good tips and tools for marriage, and not Charlie. But there are many things I don't want to do without my man this year, but life goes on. And the great thing is, is that my husband is still apart of my life. And marriage is even more apart of my life. I just mean more, because it is in fact the bigger picture. When I don't have Charlie by by side or have a chance to communicate with him somedays, I hold on to our marriage, or life we have created. Everyday I am still a wife. Everyday I am still trying to be the best partner I can be. What better way to keep marriage on my mind than to attend a Re-Engage marriage class. Not to mention, a class with great purpose and philosophy. I was sad this week to say goodbye to my 4 weeks of attendance there. I already witnessed how willingness to be transparent in a small group can be extremely effective. A secret hope of mine is to bring Re-Engage to everyone I know! But more specifically to military couples. It would be life-changing for many who must go through a lengthy, unwanted separation. My marriage isn't the best it could be, but my commitment to it is. I try everyday to think of ways to enhance it, mostly by working on myself. I would love to help others gain the tools and knowledge to do the same. 

Quote below from http://www.watermark.org

Belonging to our community requires a visible commitment to being intentionally involved with others in accountable and encouraging relationships. We believe life change happens best in smaller groups. In these clusters of caring people, participants share and encourage each other toward spiritual growth. Here people can experience both the benefits of a larger church and yet enjoy the kind of relationships that only develop in small, safe settings.

    I miss my husband so much. I am guilty of something. I have allowed myself to depend on the daily communication with him. If not communication, then just evidence he has logged on to our bank account or was on Skype… or something! This last week I had not see any signs of him being online for about 36 hours or so. It worried me for sure. Ugh! The realities of how it goes. I guess. (And a day later. it was a-ok! Got to Skype off and on with Charlie for about 3 hours!)

    When I experience this kind of stress of the above worry, it seems to be the underlying burden of the day. It was a rough day. With the kids. With other going-ons in life. I bet not many guys know what I mean. I may be getting too "woman." At the same time, after time outside in the sun, giving myself the opportunity to hear my girls laughing… ok… and having an afternoon glass of wine, I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's was all ok, or was going to be!

A little compilation of quotes I came across when searching 'best friend,' because my husband is absolutely my BFF!    

"A best friend is not only someone you have a good time with, it is also someone you believe you can trust your life with. A person you know well and regard with affection and trust. It's someone with whom one shares the strongest possible kind of friendship. Friendship is one mind in two bodies. Together forever, never apart. Maybe in distance, but never in heart. Carrie loves Charlie 4-Ever!"

Fear, but Soooo In Love.....

    I fear I may be falling more in love with Charlie. I fear it because the harder I continue falling for my husband of 6 years, the harder it would be to lose him. Straight up.

    

    It's been almost two months since Charlie left. After about the first month of this deployment my frame of mind was different. When regarding losing my husband to war I was beginning to think it may not be as hard as it could be. What I mean, is that if one has gotten accustomed to their loved one already be physically absent, it could possibly make their death a bit easier; or not as traumatic. I know, a vey serious, don't touch, sort of subject to just throw out there, but hey, it's reality. As we near the two month mark, I feel as though I am falling hard for Charlie. I love him and his selfless desire to serve as an awesome soldier and to provide so well for our girls and myself. Being so in love with him again plus longing for that day of reunion makes me realize that to lose him may be even harder… more unfathomable… than I originally imagined. To make it clear, I do not think of death very often, but of course with my husband in a danger zone, it does cross my mind. And when it crosses my mind those seldom times, it crosses it hard. It is real.

   And you know, all these thoughts could be forming from expectations. Expectations are everything. And I may be in "La La Land" when it comes to my romantic expectations of the way things will be when we reunite. Of course I think of the reality, too. We have two young children. Time with Charlie after he not being used to the chaos of our girls may be extremely stressful. But I can't help my optimistic self and be a dreamer of those romantic moments that make it all worth it. I know those romantic moments will happen, even though stressful moments may be surrounding them, and I just smile. I smile so big. I imagine myself so happy, so fulfilled, so at peace. 

    It's weird. Although I may not totally be getting what I need and want from Charlie (we're both still figuring out this thing called communication), I am so vulnerably ready to forgive. I care, but not near as much as I would if we were living a face to face life. It is so true that those small things just don't matter all that much. My Dad once had a book called Don't' Sweat the Small Stuff. I'm getting the opportunity to put that title into practice. 

    When I listen to Ada's "Daddy Rabbit," I am just so appreciative of Charlie and how good of a father he is to our daughters. The "Daddy Rabbit" is a soft, stuffed rabbit in which I did a little surgery on. I implanted a voice box in it after Charlie recorded a special message. His message is short and to the point and includes, "You're a very pretty girl." I bet Ada's self esteem is boosted every time she hears that. Her Daddy's voice admiring her. Not to mention, Eva Mei's smile and giggle every night we play her "Daddy Turtle" with a similar message of "I love you. I Miss you. Night-Night." Oh I love Charlie for being willing to make those for the girls.

    I know this all sounds so goody-goody. We are real, too. With Charlie being such a great, thoughtful Daddy to Ada (4 years old) now, infant days were quite stressful. With such romantic thoughts and pure love for my husband, I'm also very disappointed with lack of quality communication and words of affirmation from him. Hey, I'm sure I'm guilty of plenty, too. It's all a guessing game, I like to say. With relationships in general; friendship, parenthood, and marriage. But when you've got an answer, and you're not quite guessing anymore, go with it and better yourself to almost prefect it. 

   I am really missing my husband like crazy. I forget what day or date it is much the time, but I do know almost two months have already passed. I take a deep breath and look forward to the 4/5ths of the year we have to go!