I fear I may be falling more in love with Charlie. I fear it because the harder I continue falling for my husband of 6 years, the harder it would be to lose him. Straight up.
It's been almost two months since Charlie left. After about the first month of this deployment my frame of mind was different. When regarding losing my husband to war I was beginning to think it may not be as hard as it could be. What I mean, is that if one has gotten accustomed to their loved one already be physically absent, it could possibly make their death a bit easier; or not as traumatic. I know, a vey serious, don't touch, sort of subject to just throw out there, but hey, it's reality. As we near the two month mark, I feel as though I am falling hard for Charlie. I love him and his selfless desire to serve as an awesome soldier and to provide so well for our girls and myself. Being so in love with him again plus longing for that day of reunion makes me realize that to lose him may be even harder… more unfathomable… than I originally imagined. To make it clear, I do not think of death very often, but of course with my husband in a danger zone, it does cross my mind. And when it crosses my mind those seldom times, it crosses it hard. It is real.
And you know, all these thoughts could be forming from expectations. Expectations are everything. And I may be in "La La Land" when it comes to my romantic expectations of the way things will be when we reunite. Of course I think of the reality, too. We have two young children. Time with Charlie after he not being used to the chaos of our girls may be extremely stressful. But I can't help my optimistic self and be a dreamer of those romantic moments that make it all worth it. I know those romantic moments will happen, even though stressful moments may be surrounding them, and I just smile. I smile so big. I imagine myself so happy, so fulfilled, so at peace.
It's weird. Although I may not totally be getting what I need and want from Charlie (we're both still figuring out this thing called communication), I am so vulnerably ready to forgive. I care, but not near as much as I would if we were living a face to face life. It is so true that those small things just don't matter all that much. My Dad once had a book called Don't' Sweat the Small Stuff. I'm getting the opportunity to put that title into practice.
When I listen to Ada's "Daddy Rabbit," I am just so appreciative of Charlie and how good of a father he is to our daughters. The "Daddy Rabbit" is a soft, stuffed rabbit in which I did a little surgery on. I implanted a voice box in it after Charlie recorded a special message. His message is short and to the point and includes, "You're a very pretty girl." I bet Ada's self esteem is boosted every time she hears that. Her Daddy's voice admiring her. Not to mention, Eva Mei's smile and giggle every night we play her "Daddy Turtle" with a similar message of "I love you. I Miss you. Night-Night." Oh I love Charlie for being willing to make those for the girls.
I know this all sounds so goody-goody. We are real, too. With Charlie being such a great, thoughtful Daddy to Ada (4 years old) now, infant days were quite stressful. With such romantic thoughts and pure love for my husband, I'm also very disappointed with lack of quality communication and words of affirmation from him. Hey, I'm sure I'm guilty of plenty, too. It's all a guessing game, I like to say. With relationships in general; friendship, parenthood, and marriage. But when you've got an answer, and you're not quite guessing anymore, go with it and better yourself to almost prefect it.
I am really missing my husband like crazy. I forget what day or date it is much the time, but I do know almost two months have already passed. I take a deep breath and look forward to the 4/5ths of the year we have to go!
great post. thanks for sharing!
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