Reassurance...

    I finally reassured Charlie that I love him dearly, am still committed to being by his side forever, and I have faith that our marriage will really rock when this year is done with. I knew he needed to hear that. I think I have written similar words, but there's nothing like voice, especially sincerity in the voice, that could speak so heartfelt.  I know this not only by what I have said to him, but those words of affirmation I have heard from him before. I would say our marriage will rock during the year, but right now it is just such a struggle to remind one another of our love and commitment, that to feel totally in love so far, is not really the case. Yes, I love him to death, but when key tools in a marriage or relationship are missing, it of course sets it/us a little off balance. A lot off balance… actually. Maybe the key tools for a marriage will show themselves to me this year. Perhaps they'll change. And perhaps they are not what I think they are. Does a successful, loving marriage need physical touch everyday, for an example? As of now, I think yes. But maybe, just maybe Charlie and I will have a successful, loving marriage this year without that. I hope so.

    A book/theory we definitely think about and refer to often is The Five Languages of Love http://www.5lovelanguages.com/. In November we attended a marriage seminar given to us for FREE (hotel room, childcare, food, you name it)… THANK YOU ARMY/ THANK YOU TAX PAYERS!… and the chaplain who held the seminar based it on the five love languages. It was some good stuff to think about. One thing I have kept in mind is that our languages can change. I know for sure the importance of words of affirmation, a language of love, will increase greatly. And I think the importance of physical touch, another love language, will quite obviously decrease. I think I'm on to something here. Just because it will decrease because we literally cannot have it from one another, doesn't mean it's suddenly not important to us. And that's where the struggle comes in, to keep a marriage alive! But it's also where the test of strength comes in to see if we can overcome, and focus on the other love languages. 

  

    I feel good about reminding Charlie of my love, admiration, respect, commitment for him and to him, because you see, every time we have talked, I have put up "the wall." I guess it's a coping mechanism. By "the wall" I think I mean a more business-like conversation, little fake smiles just to look nice on the Skype camera!, a fisad of sorts to portray that all is well with the Watson girls, when really there is so much I want to tell him; those things I would be telling him at home when we finally have some quiet time together. But I can't. Who do I tell those things to? Opinions, troubles with the girls, secret pride for our girls the only the parents of their own children can brag to each other about? I don't really even think about it as its happening. I don't want the conversation to be about my sappy feelings. I don't want it to be boo-boo this and that. I'm not thinking of those two points as we are conversing. But it's as though my brain, my heart, know just what to do. Charlie doesn't need to hear how deeply I miss him, I'm many times, empty, I have trouble making decisions, and so on. But then again, maybe he does need to hear those things every so often. After all, to face and take on the reality of the separation, I think, is and will be for our future, very important.  

    Honestly, I think I'm a little numb right now. No, not physically. You'd think I'd be crying myself to sleep (or not, I don't know). Or just totally emotional overall. Im not really. I wish I was, in a way. I definitely don't feel quite like myself. Oh maybe that's because the other half of me is thousands of miles away. I have associated who I am and what my life is about with Charlie for 7 1/2 years now, and from such a young age, that it is true. I truly feel like half of me is gone. I'm just coping. And maybe it's because we, myself and the girls, are away from our Hawaii home. While visiting family and coming 'home' has been overall good, we have made our home on the north shore of Hawaii. We have a great routine and style of life and I miss it, and myself there very much. But I think being in Texas on such a long visit, and everything it entails, is quite possibly what keeps those tears from making it to the surface of my skin. And I think that's a good thing. 

    Until the next thoughts, cheers!