Realizations, Reality...

    A quick realization. To stay strong myself is only a small portion of the effort; maybe 25%. It's the staying strong for the girls, especially Ada, that I am very quickly realizing the major challenge to be. I should have known better. How selfish was I to have been thinking all along, 'oh geez, how am I going to carry on as a strong woman?' Its more so, how am I going to do the minimal to ensure I am happy and good, and how am I going to answer the unanswerable questions and really reach down deep to pull that optimistic strength out for our daughters? 

    
    Ada truly misses her Daddy and lets me know many times throughout the day. I knew she would do this, but it's more than I anticipated. When Charlie was away for two months for training this past July-September, Ada told me everyday that she missed her Daddy, but not as deep as she is expressing it now. Yes, of course, she is almost a half year older. Her heart and emotions have changed. Back in the summer I took it as a great sign and a forewarning of what to expect for the year-longer. I thought and still think it is great that she can express her emotions through words to me. She feels comfortable doing so, and is not expressing it through withdrawal or angry rages. Let me back up for a moment; she continues to be a challenge (but with many sweet moments in between), and has done a few things such as bite EvaMei on the leg as we were driving in the car today (WHAT THE HECK!?!). Obvious to some, she's looking for that extra attention. She had a tummy ache tonight as we were waiting for a possible Skype call from Daddy Watson. Ada fell asleep before the short and poor quality Skype session with Charlie. I did ponder whether or not I should have even mentioned to her that Charlie was going to try Skyping us. Just like I am being so open writing this blog, and just as I can't keep a thing from Charlie, I have trouble keeping exciting secrets from my girls. I think the tummy issue had to have been the same as I had a few weeks ago; that kind of "am I starving or not at all hungry" ache resulting from underlying stress and anxiety. Reality.    

    
    Last night was only the second night without Charlie. The first night we had friends over and Ada fell asleep late on me sitting by the chiminea. Now, that was nice! So last night and again tonight were more routine style nights. 

    Ada has a DVD that is Sesame Street for kids of deployed parents. The characters suggest that the kid tell the moon goodnight and then their parent away goodnight. Ada had mentioned this to me before, but I had forgotten. The second night,  as I was tucking her in, she said she forgot to tell the moon and Daddy goodnight . So we went outside on the deck and looked for the moon, but it must have been hidden by clouds. We chose a bright star instead. I picked her up and Ada told the star and Daddy goodnight. She put her head on my shoulder and I think told me she missed Daddy. She then began singing a made up song. Something like, "Goodnight my Daddy. Goodnight stars. I miss you. I'll be so excited when you get back. Goodnight everyone." She sang it in such a sweet, pure voice. I am so glad that at such a young age, music can be a sort of therapy for Ada, a comfort. 

   
  Eva Mei definitely knows something is up. For the last month of two Eva and I have created this bedtime routine. We tell Ada goodnight and give hugs and kisses. We tell Daddy goodnight with a big kiss. We go to her room and tell the giant Joshua Giraffe goodnight, the butterflies on this mural/painting goodnight, the fairies and flowers and grass on an original painting by my Aunt goodnight, and she swats at these paper lantern balls hanging from her ceiling. She finds the swatting to be so fun and gets her last laughs of the day out by doing so! I lie her down with her cup of milk and press her glow sea hose which sings a lullaby and press the voice box in her stuffed turtle with a message from Charlie on it. Even though we did it all yesterday evening (minus "nigh-nigh" to Daddy) around 7:30, which is on the later time of her bedtime, she cried so hard after I left her room. After she carried on for about 5  minutes I went back in. She had snot and tears all over her sad face and all she wanted was out! She said, "DaDa" a few times and was reaching for something, I didn't know what. I think just reaching in the air as babies do. I let her stay up with Ada and me for almost another hour, then tried again. We did our routine again. Ada was right there to help. She fussed a little, but did go to sleep on this round two. After a big swim in the ocean and a later bedtime, she did much better this evening.

   
    So, there you have it. The raw reality of this here family getting accustomed to a new thing. The day was quite busy full of physical activity and shopping. I have worn myself out. This is a great thing. Yes, I miss my love, but no time to sulk in my fears. (El Capitan has made it to Kyrgisztan, a holding point of sorts, by the way, and on the way to The Stan very shortly. Also, by the way, the time difference between Hawaii and Afghanistan is a puzzling number 14.5 hours…).